Mother, If you love someone, you should show that, instead of assuming that when you say it, it is felt. Because I honestly do not know how you feel anymore, or what you think of me and my brothers, or even what you think of yourself. You throw God around like He is something to be taken lightly, using His image as a placeholder for redemption. Saying you love God. There it is again, Mum. Why say you love God when the action of loving God is what redeems you? Why continue to say you love me instead of proving it and doing what I have asked of you?
I am not that important to you. That is what it comes down to. And because of that, my words hold no weight. I do nothing to hurt you or frustrate you except interpret your neglect as neglect. Sorry if I turn into an asshole when I feel abandoned. I have spent my entire life loving family who could not return even a fraction of what I give. It always ends in suffering for me. Constant worry. Are the people I love safe? Do the people I love have sanctity? Do the people I love have God?
Where do I stand after 26 years of searching for someone to accept me fully, without backtracking, without conditions attached to their love? Yes, my mother loves me. Under the condition that she is sober. Under the condition that she is willing to act on her words. “She is doing better.” “She found God in rehab.” “My place as a son is enough to give her whatever strength she needs to get through her troubles.” How am I supposed to keep telling myself that? How, Mum? How should I come to grips with everything all at once?
Do you really think it is that easy for me to convince myself that I am loved after everything? I am starting to believe that this way of thinking binds me completely and leaves me no room to breathe. No room to breathe with love, or with life, or with God. I feel the residue of your drug use in every moment I waited for you to arrive. At my basketball games. At birthdays. After breakups. When my dad died.
Where do you find the internal resolve required to run from your responsibilities as a parent? Or is what you told me true? That you no longer feel like a parent. That you feel no desire or obligation to stand strong in your role in my life. How have you convinced yourself not to acknowledge the existence of your child who begs you to stop killing yourself? How do you decide so easily that living and leading a life together as a mother is not worth it?
I do not even have children, and I already daydream about the love I might hold for them one day. Even now, I could find strength in that responsibility. Not as something I have to do, but as something I would want to do. To be a parent is not a burden. It is a role I would willingly step into. I cannot understand where that disconnect happens for you. Even with the cravings to get high, you would think the high of being a mother would be stronger. Maybe not immediately, but it is understood that parenting fulfills something deeply instinctual. A bond that drives you to love, protect, and stay long enough to watch your children grow.
I love you, Mum. Nothing will ever change that. But I am reaching a point where I do not know what to do or how to help you. It feels like no matter what I say, I cannot reach you. Maybe I am not that important. Maybe you have convinced yourself that you have graduated from your natural responsibilities as a mother. Maybe the idea of family was never something you could anchor your life to. I do not know. I do not have answers. I am not even sure I have the spirit left to ask the questions.
I feel defeated by the cards I have been dealt. I could become the savior of the world and still not receive the structure that only a loving parent can give. I do not blame you, at least not directly. Maybe we can just assign the blame somewhere else, sweep it under a rug, and pretend we can start over with a clean slate. Is that your intention? To tell me just enough, to do only what is required to keep me orbiting your life? To reach the next clean sheet so more guilt can accumulate, so more forgiveness can be requested?
Would it not be easier to accept the role God gave you with grace, and meet those responsibilities with a clear heart and mind? Why do I always have to second guess you, Mum? Why should I be afraid of being hurt by the one person who was supposed to remind me that the world is not meant to hurt me? That we, as a family, hold weight. That we mean something to you in a way others cannot see or understand. That this alone could be what saves you. And yet you ignore that truth. You ignore your children. You discard whatever love you have for yourself in front of everyone.
My entire life I have watched you bleed, wondering when the day will come that I will have to accept your loss. How am I supposed to sleep knowing there may come a day when someone carefully tells me that addiction finally won? That in that fight, you did not recognize the reservoir of strength offered to you? My dad could have acted on the piece of God that lived in his heart. He could still be here today. Healthy. In communion with God and Christ. Being the father I waited my whole life to be received by.
It is not fair. None of this is fair. No one should feel this low. It never leaves me. It returns in my sleep. I cannot escape the pain of knowing neither of my parents ever saw me as enough. That neither of them chose to claim me fully, or commit to being there. I will say it again, Mum, because my intention is not to destroy you or shame you. I do not know what else to do.
I cannot understand how you see me. I cannot reconcile the past. It feels like my mind is trying to forget, trying to protect me by redirecting my attention somewhere easier. Somewhere that hurts less. Is this what it feels like to want to throw everything away? Not all at once, but slowly enough to justify it?
I have heard that being high can feel liberating. Do you know what liberate means? That is what drugs do. They free you. Free you from family. From love. From God. Free you from the pressure for a while. I can see why it is tempting. I can see why people choose it. I see that path everywhere. It is the one most often modeled. So why should I not follow it? What is stopping me from that liberation?
∆Remember Us∆ 